Author: Jordan Rolsky (@JordanRolsky on Twitter)
The time has come for the ACTUAL season finale, and this time around, Chris Harrison has assured us he will finally come through on his promise of the MOST DRAMATIC SEASON FINALE EVER.
Meet the Luyendyk’s Take 1
Lauren is first up to meet Arie’s family and she actually shows some signs of life this episode. Lauren and Arie’s mom break away from the group for some one-on-one time where Lauren bursts into tears telling Arie’s mom how tough it is to be vulnerable on the show and open up. Arie’s mom does her best to comfort her, but as we already know….this is just so hard for Lauren!
Arie’s sister puts Arie on the spot reminding him that he typically dates pretty doormats and questions whether they’ve had a real conversation. Arie recognizes that yeahhhh perhaps they don’t have the most riveting convos (or any at all for that matter), but like she’s pretty and cute soooo yeah….good one Arie.
We end with an interview of Arie telling us how Lauren is definitely more of a risk because he’d be basing a huge decision off of “small moments here and there.” But Arie’s fam seems to be falling for Lauren’s lackluster charm and can really see the “chemistry” between the two of them.
Meet the Luyendyk’s Take 2
Next up is Becca who seems to have drawn the short straw with the second date because apparently if you’re not first, you’re last in the Luyendyk’s book. Becca can barely even get a word out before literally every single family member mentions/compares her to Lauren. Arie’s dad actually tells Becca that he would be happy with either of them. He then asks if Becca is friends with Lauren. Like WHAT?
Becca handles all of these curveballs with the utmost grace, but definitely appears shaken/shocked she is being compared to a girl who is as different from her as Lauren. We’re with you girl.
The most important part of meeting the family is of course THE DEBRIEF, where we get to hear The Bachelor(ette)’s family say a lot of really vague things, giving no real guidance or clues on how they feel. NOT THE LUYENDYK’S…we should have known…Despite totally $h*tting on Becca during the date, it appears the entire fam is 100% #TeamBecca. Arie’s dad actually tells Arie that Becca is a much better choice because she can give Arie the “kick in the ass he needs to get up and get going”…LOL…totally picturing Arie with a beer gut sitting on the couch covered in day-old potato chips right now. RUN BECCA, RUN.
Arie, however, immediately defends his relationship with Lauren saying that while he can talk to Becca for hours on end, he has an undeniable desire to makeout with love for Lauren. Realizing he sounds like an idiot, Arie assures his family he’ll find more clarity in the next few days because this is a pretty big decision. YES ARIE, so stop thinking with you’re you-know-what and get your head in the game.
“Live” Studio Audience with CH
Caroline returns again for her 15 mins of fame with CH, giving us the chilling “I KNOW WHAT YOU DID ARIE” line as we contemplate what on earth this could mean….oh the suspense….
One-on-One Date: Lauren
After getting all riled up with CH and Caroline, we’re back for Lauren’s last one-on-one date where the two explore Machu Picchu…one of the New Seven Wonders of the World…But come on, where was the #BachelorMetaphor here??? Perfect opp to say some sappy BS like “our love is the Eighth Wonder of the World”. Minus 100 points for the producers. That one was handed to ya on a platter.
Anywho, they take a train up to the top of Machu Picchu where they attempt to run through the ruins to steal a kiss away from the cameras. Their love is no match for the altitude though, and they suddenly start gasping for air, making their romantic kiss more of panting-in-your-face moment.
Side note – did anyone catch the casual BOMB that Lauren dropped on the train ride up about meeting Arie BEFORE the show in Dallas??? Sketch AF
The two regroup later in the night for the final countdown, giving Lauren one last shot at convincing Arie to propose to her in 48 hours…wow, when you think of it like that, it’s pretty messed up.
Lauren tells Arie she loves him for so many reasons but mostly because he reassures her 24/7. Mkkk…Arie doesn’t do much better explaining that he doesn’t even know why he loves her, but he just does.
Cut over to an interview with Arie saying that after tonight, he can see a future with him and Lauren.
Arie opens up Becca’s date by telling us he can’t stop thinking about Lauren and if he could have proposed to Lauren last night, he would have….UGH. Why did Becca have to go second with the family and the one-on-one??? So unfair.
Becca and Arie also have a much less exciting date in Cusco and spend the day roaming the city/petting alpacas/drinking GIANT smoothies/trying on Peruvian couture sweaters.
The two regroup later in the night for their final date where Becca gives Arie a memory book complete with a love letter and pictures from all of their dates (who took all those??). She even made a page for their future baby…bold move… Arie seems very moved by the gesture. He confesses that he is very conflicted… SO WHO’S IT GONNA BE ARIE??
“Live” Studio Audience with CH
We return back to the live audience to see none other than Ben Higgins, the Bachelor that first got slammed for telling two girls he loved them, and Jason Mesnick, the Bachelor who pulled a switcheroo at the engagement and went running after the first girl he sent home (they are still married though, so I guess that makes it better). FORESHADOWING. So does this mean Arie pulls a switch too??? Omg. Please tell me he chooses Lauren then switches to Becca.
After Ben and Jason give their “words of wisdom” (because these two are experts at shattering girls’ hearts), CH tells us to stay tuned to see “raw, unedited footage for the first time ever”…but what does that mean?
It’s finally the day of the proposal and we know the drill – obligatory pics of The Bachelor(ette) roaming the city to find clarity, a visit to Neil Lane, and clips of the girls getting ready while telling us they are each 100% certain Arie will propose to them. It, of course, all culminates with the “First Foot out of the Limo” where we finally find out who gets sent home and who gets the 5 carat diamond…and a loving husband of course.
Roaming city for clarity – We watch as Arie parades around Peru. He tells us he went to bed having legit zero idea what to do, but this morning he woke up, had coffee, and drew a name out of hat because what else is a guy to do. Okay…not really, but it is very apparent Arie is not confident in his decision so it makes PERFECT sense that he should propose in 3 hours…
Picking the ring with Neil Lane – Arie goes to meet with Neil Lane and picks out a GIANT oval-shaped rock for his mystery lady proclaiming to Neil Lane that this love story has been 5 years in the making. I was thinking more like 2 months, but I guess we just see things differently.
Getting ready for a breakup/proposal – We watch as both girls get ready rambling on about their love and yada, yada, yada. Main takeaway – Lauren is wearing silver shoes and Becca is wearing black.
First foot out of the limo – We finally get to the limo ride to the proposal and we’re on the edge of our seats wait to spot THE FOOT….who’s it going to be???…we flash between both girls…door opens….anddddd….SILVER SHOES.
The First Breakup
Lauren scales down half a mountain in heels to get to Arie. Lauren begins her spiel about how Arie is the perfect man for her…stop her, Arie…she goes on and on about how she’s never felt more in love all while Arie is avoiding eye contact…ugh this is actually the worst part. Is this written in the contract?? “Contestants must humiliate themselves before The Bachelor is allowed to rip their hearts out in front of millions of people. Sign here.” Like why???
After what feels like an eternity, Arie shakes his head explaining that he was up all night and he just can’t go through with the proposal. Lauren stares back confused) as Arie admits that he had no idea what to do until this morning (yikessss) and that he was truly in love with her. Before driving away, Lauren tells Arie she’s still in love with him despite all this, to which Arie responds “I love you too”. WHAT? Pretty sure, at this point, he should not STILL be saying ILY to Lauren.
Lauren completely breaks down in the car saying she feels so betrayed and wonders how on earth he could propose if he was so unsure only 3 hours before. AMEN SISTA.
“Live” Studio Audience with CH
CH greets us again looking as ominous as ever telling us that we’ll be seeing “the first completely unedited scene in reality TV history.” JUST TELL US ALREADY. And how is this the first unedited scene in reality TV history? Are you telling me every reality show I watch is fake??? NEVER. Siesta Key is most definitely unedited…
The Final Rose
After wiping away his tears for Lauren, Arie resumes his position at the bottom of the hill to watch Becca make her way down, profess her love, and dump her too…or so we think. During Becca’s speech, Arie again appears to be completely uninterested…is he thinking about chasing after Lauren??
Nope, instead Arie dives into his proposal explaining that this morning, he woke up thinking of her (comforting), and he now knows he wants to choose her today and for one more month every day from here on out. Yayy???
The two share a passionate kiss and seem to be so happy together. Arie gives her the final rose before we cut over to an interview with both of them where they no joke, seem WASTED. That clearly is not their first glass of champagne lol. But they also seem super cute…aww…Is this good or bad??? How are we supposed to feel??
“Live” Studio Audience with CH
CH – “That really looked like a beautiful moment didn’t it? But is that it? It doesn’t feel like it…”
CH then invites us take a look at their life after the final rose as “home videos” come up on the screen….
Actually the Most Dramatic Bachelor Finale Ever…
We start out watching the cutest videos of Arie and Becca doing normal things – cooking dinner, playing chess, and brushing their teeth. They both look incredibly happy and we can’t help but think maybe this whole Bachelor process works after all…??
That is until we watch an interview with Arie where he describes “life after the show”. He tells us how goofy and nurturing she is, and how she fits so perfectly with his life, and how they talked about her moving to Arizona, and all seems great, right? Wrong. He goes on to say that he’s pretty much thinking about Lauren 24/7, and the thought of having a relationship with Lauren is making him want to risk everything he has with Becca. He doesn’t feel it’s fair to be half in with Becca and he’s not holding true to his commitment to choose her every day, so he wants to call off the engagement. We assume this must be the end of it and now they’ll bring both out to confirm they aren’t together, but no…we wish that was the case…
Instead, we watch as Arie meets with CH to update him on the sitch. He explains he just needs to figure out how to tell Becca, to which CH immediately perks up with an idea…We then watch in horror as Becca is lured to LA on the premise of a secret “couple’s weekend” with Arie…omg omg omg…they are going to FILM THIS?? Why on earth would they humiliate her like this? Becca arrives at the house telling the camera guys that she’s so excited to see Arie and start their life together and how much she loves her ring…omg no…
Arie walks into the house and asks to talk to her immediately after they hug. He then proceeds to wait while we see the crew scurrying around to catch every angle of this….omg I feel sick…. They sit down on the couch and Arie immediately tells her he’s ending things in an attempt to get back with Lauren. Omggg she’s holding her head with her ring hand…ahhhh…omg she just ripped off her ring….yaaassss…THROW IT OFF THE BALCONY
Arie goes on to say that he wasn’t as honest as he could have been about how conflicted he was, and he doesn’t think it’s fair to be “half in” with Becca. When Becca asks if he’ll be “half in” with Lauren, Arie immediately respond “no”. This answer naturally upsets Becca and she questions Arie about not even being able to put into words why he likes Lauren. Arie agrees that logically it doesn’t make sense, but he can’t deny his affection towards her.
Becca asks why Arie waited so long to tell her and he responds that he wanted to tell her in person. Only, no, he wanted every minute of this filmed to attempt to justify this decision to America…and get some bonus time in the spotlight. Becca gets up to walk away and Arie and the camera crew take off to follow her despite Becca telling him over and over to leave. I just want to hug this poor girl. Why continue to film this?? Enough.
Arie finally takes a hint and leaves the house to stand on the front porch and admire his nails. After a few minutes, Arie goes back into the house because he hasn’t done enough damage and knocks on the bathroom door asking “Are you ok?” CLEARLY NO ARIE. Please stop torturing her and us and LEAVE. After we watch Arie stare at Becca crying for another FIFTEEN MINUTES, Arie finally decides he’s done enough damage and leaves…
“Live” Studio Audience with CH
CH is sitting with….BECCA??!! Omg. She looks AMAZING. Wow. How is she on this show right now? She BETTER be The Bachelorette, but like will she have PTSD?
CH to Becca – How was it to watch that back?
Is he kidding?? Becca of course says it was horrific as CH nods before saying well it’s about to get a lot worse because tomorrow, in a BONUS TWO HOUR EPISODE, you’ll see Arie again on After the Final Rose….
The 2nd Finale
Well, after that horror movie of an episode, we’re back to see if ABC can somehow restore our faith in humanity.
CH welcomes us to the LIVE ATFR event and says we’re in for some more surprises and maybe even a proposal….WTF. My blood is already boiling…please tell me it’s another Claire and Benoit situation (maybs Courtney and Lily?? I love them) and not Arie getting down on a knee a MONTH after calling off his engagement to Becca. I can’t.
1st Finale Recap
Before we can dive into the night though, CH invites us all to “take another look” at the atrocities from the night before. WHYYYYYY??? Flashes of Arie’s proposal come up on the screen as all of America shouts LIAR when Arie promises to choose Becca and only Becca every day…ARIE YOU SUCK. (But how happy is Juan Pablo that Arie has officially taken over the title of Worst Bachelor Ever??)
As if we weren’t tortured enough yesterday, we’re forced to watch more clips of Becca crying/looking at old photos while she tells us the week before the breakup they had looked at houses in Arizona together…Is this a time filler?? Cuz I’m fairly certain we’d all rather have an hour back in our lives than sit through more “bonus” footage of Becca getting her heart broken. Please just tell us she’s The Bachelorette and Arie is alone on a remote island never to be seen again so that we can move on with our lives….
We then get the pleasure of listening to Arie tell us how nervous he is to reunite with Lauren and that he’s risking nothing it all because he has ALLEGEDLY not spoken to Lauren about wanting to get back together. HAH, is that a joke? He returns to Lauren’s parents’ house in Virginia Beach where we’re all hoping Lauren’s dad is standing in the doorway with a shotgun. Arie hyperventilates like a pansy inside of a bush in the front yard.
When Arie finally grows a pair and knocks on the front door, Lauren opens it up, kicks him where the sun don’t shine, and slams the door on his face. Ugh sorry that was wishful thinking…instead, Lauren jumps into his arms…I mean, I can’t right now. And I’m supposed to believe Arie hasn’t talked to her about getting back together? He is literally THE WORST.
The two sit down to stage have their first convo post-Becca breakup, and Arie tells Lauren that he’s officially ended things with Becca and he wants a second chance. Lauren asks why he proposed when he was so unsure and if he was pretending with Becca. Arie explains that he felt really pressured and rushed and he just let logic take over, but now he’s learned he should never use his brain to make decision. Makes sense. He also tells her that he did try with Becca but everything changed the minute he heard her voice on the phone.
Arie’s answers seem to please Lauren. She tells Arie she forgives him and is ready to get back together– with a promise that an engagement is in the near future…WHAT??? How can this girl possibly be thinking about getting engaged right now??
Becca, Arie, & Lauren Reunite
CH brings out Becca and Arie for the traditional confrontation where Arie gives us his canned “I made a mistake” responses as we fast forward through to get to The Bachelorette announcement. Lauren then comes out and we have déjà vu as she tells us how happy she is to start her life with Arie and move to Arizona. Wasn’t Becca telling us this LAST WEEK?
Seeing that he’s lost about half the audience to their phones, CH attempts to regain control by saying goodbye to Arie but no so fast!!! Arie makes one last ditch effort to get the limelight, dropping down on one knee and proposing to Lauren. UGH.
The Next Bachelorette!!
We once again fast forward through all the makouts with Lauren and get to the good part…the announcement of the next Bachelorette which if ABC plans on retaining #BachelorNation they have one option only, and that’s Becca. Lucky for us, ABC pulls through and CH announces it as BECCCCCAAAA!!!! YAAAASSSS
And just like that, this show sucks me back in!