Author: Jordan Rolsky (@JordanRolsky on Twitter)
We’ve arrived at Week 4, and we all know what that means!!! Time to escape the Bachelor mansion and begin our world tour of love! First stop is South Lake Tahoe, and Arie is super excited because he’s a true outdoorsman at heart – “I love that the dates are going to be outdoors. I love to do things outside like hiking and…and…being outside. I’m just so excited to share that with the girls.” Insightful Arie, very insightful.
What Arie lacks in brainpower, Krystal makes up for in sheer WISDOM. It seems the incense Krystal brought from yoga class were laced with some serious hallucinogens because this chick woke up thinking she was GOD.
“Several of these women are just not prepared for what Arie wants. They are just living in such a false reality, so I’ll be that voice of reason and that voice of reality.”
Barf. Hate to break it to ya sweetheart, but with that awful, whispery, condescending voice of yours, you ain’t gonna be the voice of anything.
First One-On-One Date with Sienne
Arie gives the first date this week to Sienne – a gorgeous, Yale grad who 100% came on the show thinking Peter was going to be the next Bachelor (we’re with ya girl). The two are going to “soar into love” with a day of parasailing over Lake Tahoe.
Back at the Bachelor Log Cabin
Group of girls – “What are these random binoculars doing out here on the balcony?”
Girl 1 (looking at Girl 2 through binoculars) – “Wow! These are so fun! I can see all the hairs in your unibrow!”
Producers – “Look at the lake!!!”
Girls – “Ohhhh!! Look! Arie and Sienne are out there!! OMG!! What are the odds we’d be able to see them with these binoculars we found??!! Ugh, wish we were there”
Kendall – “Look at all the dead animal heads! Weeeee!”
Krystal – “Sienne is probably going home today and that makes me really happy” (stabs voodoo doll of Sienne and places it next to the one of Bibiana. RIP)
Back to the One-On-One Date: Sienne
After enjoying an exhilarating parasailing sesh that only The Bachelor can turn into a metaphor for love –“Today we went parasailing, where I learned to let go and trust the small piece of fabric keeping both of us from falling to our deaths in the freezing cold water, just like you do in love! Yay!” — Sienne and Arie enjoy a calm picnic in the sand. As we watch Arie eat (something that’s rarely seen on this show), we can’t help but wonder if Arie’s hair seems to be a bit grayer today or if it’s the 5 pounds of bronzer he has on his face that’s making his salt and pepper do look extra salty.
Next we see Arie leading Sienne into the classic #BachelorPrivateConcert complete with a live audience and an unknown performer. The two dance/makeout while the crowd screams with joy attempting to take pictures of Arie and Sienne. Question though, why must Sienne dance with the rose? She can put her coat down but not the rose? Like, we all know she just got it…so unnecessary.
Group Date with Everyone but Bekah
For this week’s group date, Arie brings the girls out into the woods for a little outdoor survival challenge. We cut to various scenes of stolen Planet Earth footage showing black bears, squirrels, and menacing rapids, as if the girls are going to anything remotely outdoorsy on this date.
Arie kicks off the date on a solemn note and takes a moment to acknowledge that Maquel is no longer with them – she chose to leave after hearing that her grandfather had passed away. Arie tells the group that he fully supports Maquel leaving because tbh…he had no idea who she was anyway…
But on to the fun stuff! Arie enlists the help of a retired army commander and his wife to teach the girls survival skills that are absolutely necessary to “survive in a successful relationship”. Naturally, the first lesson is…how to drink your own pee when you run out of water…What. The. F^&*.
Before we can even wrap our heads around what is going on, the commander passes out thermoses to each of the girls + Arie and dismisses them into the woods to fill their bottles…Like a true gentleman, Arie goes first, and takes a giant gulp of his pee. Without even being asked, random-girl-in-blue-jacket lifts up the thermos and says as an “act of love”, she’ll drink her pee. WAIT WHAT?? Just as the pee touches her lips, Arie exclaims it’s all a joke and that he had apple juice in his thermos. OMG. Was she actually going to drink her own pee? And for Arie?? I mean maybe for Ben Higgins, but Arie?? NO. The best part of this whole interaction is watching the commander’s face as he realizes this chick is actually dumb enough to believe that a) ABC would have them drink their own pee on TV and b) Arie would actually like her for doing so. #DESPERATE
Challenge number 2 is eating worms and bugs because any couple that can stand the test of time can eat worms together. Duh. For some odd reason, Raven #2 and Kendall actually seem excited to chow down on the worms. Arie, kicking himself for choosing such outdoorsy girls, looks petrified as he tosses the slimy, little thing into his mouth and fights back the urge to throw up all over Krystal, who believes this whole worm eating stunt is “so desperate and beneath her”. It starts to snow and Kendall manages to find the romance in a bug eating date….so she steals him away for a sneaky kiss.
The final challenge is to split into teams and navigate through the woods to their final destination using a compass, map, and their own survival instincts. The girls put on their hiking gear and bundle up for their last survival test.
Just as predicted, the girls have zero idea how to read a map or use a compass and have become incredibly lost in the woods. Shout out to girl-in-blue-jacket for ditching the compass and going with her gut cuz that would totally be me….
Luckily, Arie and his team manage to find their way to the final destination, which turns out to be a hot spring. The girls whip off their clothes to reveal bathing suits underneath (hmmm so clearly this wasn’t too much of a surprise….) and jump into the giant hot tub for a chance to cuddle with Arie. One guy and 12 girls in a hot tub, however, proves to be a lot for Arie to handle as he stands awkwardly in the middle wishing each girl would just play nice and take turns making out with him. UGH, LIFE IS SO HARD.
Group Date Cocktail Party
The girls return from their day of adventure for an intimate cocktail party with Arie where their collective hatred towards Krystal is at an all-time high…
Cut to Krystal – “I’m not sure what I’m going to do, but whatever I do, I have a feeling it’s going to be perfect”
Lauren B – “I just want to have that fun relationship where we’re super old, and gross looking, and still spanking each others’ butts and telling dirty jokes.” Arie is sold…and sounds like a fairy tale to me!
Kendall – We learn that Kendall has a taxidermy duckling named Ping that she carries with her everywhere. Here’s my shocked face…For some reason though, Arie seems extremely turned on by taxidermy/bug breath…
Krystal – We listen to Krystal whine to Arie about being ostracized because of her strong connection with him. He falls right into her trap saying that she’s very beautiful and could make people feel insecure. With the most annoying puppy dog eyes, Krystal nods in agreement and says she’s just coming from “a place of love” and doesn’t understand why every single person in America hates her…
“I can be very intimidating. I come across as flawless. I’m just misunderstood”
Raven #2 /Caroline/Krystal Smackdown – After getting courage from Arie, Krystal takes matters into her own hands and pulls Raven #2 and Caroline aside to tell them they’ve hurt her feelings. Raven #2 and Caroline don’t back down and immediately call Krystal out for being condescending and rude to the other girls. YOU GO GIRLS. Caroline seems like a total BA and we’re happy to put a name to a face this episode! She can stay…
Raven #2 – Despite Krystal’s attempt at sabotage, Arie and Raven #2 are able to move past the drama and connect on a deeper level makeout. So much so that Arie gives her the group date rose. YAAASSSS. Suck it Krystal
One-On-One with Bekah
Finally, we arrive at Bekah’s much anticipated one-on-one date where she will finally drop the BOMB that she’s still in high school. The girls in the house are throwing some serious shade about the fact that there are 14 years between Bekah and Arie, but tbh when the 23/24-year-olds are talking trash it seems slightly less impactful. But still…FOURTEEN YEARS?! Let that sink in for a minute….
Bekah of course, is as care free as ever and super excited for her date. The two of them go horseback riding through the woods to a secluded little area with…you guessed it…a hot tub! Because what else is there to do in Tahoe besides makeout with chicks in a hot tub? Pretty sure Arie could have had these exact dates at the Bachelor Mansion…but whatever…we had to get Hard Rock’s sponsorship in there somehow.
Any who, the two arrive at the hot tub but oh no, they don’t have their bathing suits on! Now, let’s think about this for a second…on the last group date, the girls had their suits on under their clothes…why wouldn’t the same apply here? And Bekah just watching him?? This feels so wrong on so many levels….should someone call child services??
We fast forward through their makeout scenes to get to the part where Arie loses his $&%* when he finds out he’s going to jail for dating a middle schooler…yesssss…that was priceless…
The two of them go back and forth on whether or not Bekah is ready for marriage. Arie assures her he’s ready because he “enjoys waking up with the sun” (???). Bekah explains that she can also wake up early…you know, when she’s going to class. Arie then expresses his concerns about her being in her 20’s and wanting to go out and do something other than watch home movies with his parents every day in Scottsdale…
NEWSFLASH ARIE – Pretty much every girl left is in their 20’s!!
Arie goes into a tailspin telling us he just doesn’t know what to do about Bekah because he loves his connection making out with her but she could also be…like…his child. I said it. We were all thinking it. Bekah makes one last ditch effort to convince him to let her stay by telling him everyone in her family was married by 19….as if this makes us feel ANY BETTER about the situation. WTF.
Despite literally every single red flag going off, Arie gives Bekah the rose BUT decide its “best to proceed with caution”. WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN?? Unbelievable.
We cut to a scene of Bekah jumping up and down on her bed…
We get to the Rose Ceremony and see that the girls are on edge as Chris Harrison announces there will be NO ROSE CEREMONY…cue horror music. Luckily, Koach Krytal (see what I did there?) is here to guide us through it –
“You really need to seize each moment on this experience. No matter what happens, I’m just going to look at relationships and friendships and just time, so differently”
Because The Bachelor is the perfect place to learn how to build successful, lasting relationships…said no one ever…
The girls line up for the Rose Ceremony and just as Arie picks up his first rose, Krystal interrupts and says she needs just one minute of his time. OMGGGG. This girl has got to go. Krystal steals him away to cast her spell on him pour her heart out just in case Arie’s forgotten the sound of her voice…one could only be so lucky.
Plus 15 points to the girls though, for IMMEDIATELY sitting down when Krystal and Arie leave the room. Why stand in their heels and skin tight dresses longer than they have to?
Arie returns to give out the roses and it comes down to Caroline and Krystal. UGH. Why Caroline?? We were just starting to like her!! Gah. Caroline and Brittany T are sent packing, and our broken spirit is given a glimpse of hope as we watch previews for next week where Krystal loses her Zen and unravels in front of Arie…praise the lord!
Bach Bloopers – never disappoint!
We end with an epic scene between Marikh and Chelsea where Marikh calls Chelsea out for making fun of her for constantly stopping to fix her hair while on the hike through the woods. Because, like, why wouldn’t Marikh’s hair be her first concern? Bears don’t attack girls with volume.
“There’s slut shaming, and fat shaming, and today you were GLAM SHAMING me” – Marikh
“I’ve never been accused of being anti-glam…For the record, I am and have always been Pro-Glam” – Chelsea
We need more of this!! #ProGlam