Author: Jordan Rolsky (@JordanRolsky on Twitter)
We’re halfway through the season and we FINALLY have some drama coming our way. Yaaaasss now, THIS is what we came for. We jump right into a day on the beaches of…..FORT LAUDERDALE!
Cut to Arie – “Fort Lauderdale is the perfect place to fall in love. It has beaches, and is sexy…and just cool, ya know…”
We immediately zoom in on Bekah and her sorority sisters doing keg stands on the beach…no, but seriously, Fort Lauderdale?? It’s only like, the biggest college spring break destination out there….
We couldn’t splurge on like, a Marco Island trip??? Or maybe Naples? Seems like that kind of thing is wayyy more up Arie’s alley…butttt the more I look at these SB pics from Frat Laudy, I’m thinking there’s a way higher chance that Maquel, Bekah, Lauren, and definitely Jenna find love here…
(No joke, Google search: Fort Lauderdale beach)
First One-On-One Date: Chelsea
Arie forgoes the typical date card this week and surprises the girls at there sick, spring break penthouse in the W to select Chelsea for the one-on-one date. The two board a giant yacht and set sail for a day of luxury on the sea.
Chelsea tells us that Arie only knows her as a mother, so today, her number one priority will be to show him different sides of her, which naturally, means they’ll just makeout all day…The two re-enact scenes from Titanic (real original), makeout on various parts of the yacht, and jet ski around the boat until the producers tell them the girls back at the house can see them…Chelsea immediately climbs aboard Arie’s jet-ski and they start making out as it slowly spins in the ocean, giving the girls quiteeeee a show…
Back at the Bachelorette Pad:
We cut back over to the W to find the girls doing body shots with a couple of the guys from the pool…jk, I wish…Instead, the girls discover that omg, there’s a telescope on the balcony!! They take turns looking into it to find that, surpriseeee, it’s perfectly lined up for them to spot Arie and Chelsea on that gorgeous yacht mauling each other’s faces off….ugh, what a mood killer.
Mood killer #2….Maquel is back!!! We’re supposed to eliminating these biddies not adding them back into the mix…boooo
Back to One-On-One: Chelsea
Arie and Chelsea finish their date with a quiet dinner at a car museum. The two walk through the museum as Chelsea points out every “mom mobile”…wasn’t she trying to break that mom mold?? And has she forgotten Arie is a racecar driver?? I don’t think he’ll be cruising in any type of “mom mobile”…ever
The two of them sit down for a romantic dinner amongst the cars and…suitcases???… Are they going on a trip after dinner?? Do those add ambiance??
Chelsea and Arie waste no time eating (meaning she must get a rose!) and dive right into a super serious convo about Chelsea’s baby daddy. She explains that she was swept off her feet by an older, wealthy guy when she was 20, and 7 years later, he essentially left her on the side of the street with their 6-month old baby and all her stuff in trashbags…in-TENSE. But, despite all that, Chelsea was able to get back on her feet, and now, a few years later, she’s never been happier and she’s looking for real love beyond all that materialistic BS. Amen sista!!
Arie gives her the rose and leads her to yet another….#BachelorPrivateConcert!! Yay. We hear a voice over of Chelsea telling us how magical it is to have Tawnee or Taneel or some other hipster T-name singing for them, as if we’re supposed to believe she has any clue who this chick is. The two share their first “Rose Dance” together while passionately making out in slo-mo…
Group Date: Everyone BUT Chelsea and Raven #2
Just when we think it can’t get much worse than a “drink your own pee & eat worms” group date, we find ourselves in a complete STATE. OF. SHOCK as we open up the next group date with…with…with this….
……WHAT??! Is this supposed to be sexy? How many times did he have to lick that ball before they got the “right shot” (if that’s what you call it)? Did Arie get a tetanus/rabies/measles shot after that? Why do I find myself staring at this GIF for like a solid minute?? I have SO MANY questions right now….
We snap out of our state of disbelief to find that yes, we are seriously in a bowling alley! Lucky for the girls, this bowling alley serves beer and it appears they are coping with having to miss the W’s wet t-shirt contest by getting completely wasted….
To be fair, I’m pretty sure Jenna has been consistently drunk this entire season, but still. I’d also like to point out that I finally went to ABC’s website to look up Jenna’s name because getting to the halfway mark known only as “Drunk Girl” is pretty freaking amazing, and I felt she earned the right to be addressed by name. Turns out…its Jenna. Who knew?
Arie announces that the girls will split into teams of their choosing and bowl in an incredibly “high-stakes” game — winners get to go to the cocktail party and losers go home. Gasp. We see the terror come across the girls’ faces as they realize it is do or DIE. Krystal, however, is completely unfazed. In fact, as soon as the word “competition” left Arie’s pillow lips, a crazed look immediately crept into Krystal’s eyes as she transformed into the hulk, whispering “Win, Arie. Lose, DEATH” over and over. This should be fun….
Despite being able to choose their own teams, it appears that every even remotely athletic girl has gone to the blue team, with the rest being left to brush Marikh’s hair on the pink team. Good work girls, way to make this interesting. As the pink team throws gutter ball after gutter ball, we watch Krystal become more aggressive as her team blows the pink team out of the water.
After parading the trophy around the alley, Krystal proceeds to give yet another speech about “not bringing others down, but building each other up”…bla bla bla this girl loves annoying others with inspiring speeches.
Her extreme joy is shattered as Arie takes a look at the losing pink team and realizes that he’d really rather makeout with 12 girls vs. 6 sooooo why not invite the whole gang to the cocktail party? Seems like a much better idea, right?
Cut over to Kyrstal giving Arie some serious death glare.
As the other girls describe the outburst Kyrstal had on the bus ride home, all we can think is — WHY WASN’T THIS FILMED???!! I thought we’re supposed to have eyes on these girls 24/7? You’re telling me, that they got on a bus to come home, Krystal lost her $H*^, and we didn’t even have a go-pro in there to capture it???? GAHHH. Bachelor 101 right there.
We watch in excitement as Krystal storms into the penthouse shouting about how Arie did not consult the blue team on his decision; therefore, he’s a liar that can’t be trusted. Makes perfect sense to me…The girls attempt to calm her down with Kendall and Bekah emerging as the leaders of the “Krystal is a psychotic, fake, manipulative, whispering b*&^” movement, but Krystal explains she’s just way too “hurt” (barf). She furiously puts on her white, luxurious bathrobe telling the girls to pass along a message to Arie that she’s not coming to the cocktail party and that her bags are PACKED. Sweet, don’t let the door hit ya on the way out sista…
Group Date Cocktail Party
Arie arrives at the cocktail party in a fantastic mood, squeezing himself between a few of the girls before exclaiming, “We’re all here!”. LOL I’m sure that’s the reaction Krystal was looking for! The girls, of course, call out that Krystal is missing and has chosen to spend the night sniffing essential oils instead. Arie decides it’s probably best for him to go talk to her but assures the girls he won’t be long…and the ole victim card is played again….
Inside Krystal’s Lair
Arie goes up to the penthouse to check on Krystal and what does he find?? Krystal sitting in her robe with her hair and makeup perfectly done up because she definitely wasn’t expecting Arie to come find her!
Krystal starts off by explaining that “she’s just so hurt” and that the bowling alley brought up all these emotions about her family and trust issues and blah blah blah. Seeing that Arie is completely unamused, she starts to ramble on about how she’s just so invested in this relationship and she wants to get to know Arie more. To which Arie, responds, “They you would be down at the cocktail party right now”. DROP THE MIC. Arie goes on to say that he’s very disappointed in her and he’s going to return to the cocktail party but thinks she should stay in her room for the night. Did he just put her in timeout?? BOO YAH
Back at the Cocktail Party
Arie returns slightly off his game, but decides it’s nothing a few makeouts can’t fix –
Kendall – Kendall immediately steals Arie away for some quality time where she tells him that all of her past relationships have started out incredibly passionate and exciting, but then fizzled out. She’s confident that things are different with Arie because they are moving so much slower…..because proposing to someone after spending a total of 72 hours together is the definition of taking things slow. Moving on…
BeKAH – Arie and BeKAH head outside and as the wind appears to almost knock the two over, Bekah exclaims “There’s a hurricane brewing, hurricane Krystal!” Yaaaasss. Bekah is crushing Operation: Take Down Kyrstal tonight. Butttt just as we start to like Arie and Bekah, we remember she’s young enough to be his daughter and watching them makeout gives us the heebie-jeebies…
BeCCA – Arie grabs BeCCA and leads her to his room so the two of them can have some extended private time. He reassures her that while she had the first one-on-one date, he hasn’t forgotten about her and wants to give her time to ask more questions. Becca exclaims she has so many questions for him andddd then immediately starts making out with him without asking a single question….classic
We cut back over to Krystal who has realized she’s a complete idiot and she should now go to the cocktail party. Just as she walks down to the party, we flash over to the girls sitting in a prayer circle as Bekah leads them in an “I hate Krystal” prayer. Yaassssss
As Krystal sits down, Bekah immediately attacks – “I think we all trusted that since you said you weren’t coming to the party, you weren’t coming to the party, but here you are…so does that make YOU a liar???” YESSSSS BEKAH YESSSSS
Krystal scurries off back to her room as the girls cheer in a sweet, sweet victory.
Lauren B – After the Krystal showdown, Lauren B. grabs Arie and the two play a cute game of 21 questions. FINALLY. A girl that actually takes a second to learn a little something about the guy she plans to marry in 47 hours. And it looks like that’s just what Arie was looking for as he awards her the group date rose.
PHHEWWW, what a night!!
One-On-One Date: Raven #2
The final one-on-one date goes to Raven #2 and its a “country” day in the Everglades for his “country gal”. Eyeroll. The two board a boat and take off for a tour of the Everglades, where they spend the entire time attempting to yell over the motor of the boat….how romantic. On the tour, they pull up close to an alligator and Arie makes one of the BEST #BachelorMetaphors of all time – “Getting up close to that alligator was super scary. It reminds me that love too, can be kind of scary.” ARE YOU KIDDING ME?? I can’t.
Next on the gator love tour, is a pit-stop at Gerald’s for some fried frog legs. Who is Gerald you might ask? We have NO idea.
ABC – Hi Gerald, we stumbled across your house when we were canvasing the Everglades for a Bachelor date. Ever heard of the Bachelor?
Gerald – Nope, we don’t get reception out here in the glades. Can’t run wires under the water ya know. Gators chew em right up
ABC – No worries, Gerald. Well, you have a super cool house with a romantic swinging bench and a roof that we can pan out on for a great makeout scene. What do ya say to letting us a film a date at your house?
Gerald – Sounds mighty fine to me.
ABC – Perfect, just take this pan of fried frog legs and feed it to the couple that’s about to boat up to your door step in T-minus 10 minutes
Gerald – Sure thing!
Arie and Raven #2 get a lovely tour of Gerald’s house. It is hear we learn that Raven #2 goes “froggin”, which for those who don’t know, its a popular sport in Arkansas where you hide in the ditch on the side of the road and throw pitch forks at frogs that hop by…Crossing our fingers Raven #2 makes it to hometowns so we can see this in action!
They both thank their gracious host, Gerald, and jet off for a romantic dinner inside of a nautical shop. Arie shows up in what might be his most heinous outfit yet….what. is. this. combo????….But seriously, let’s just take a quick comparison of Nick (the last Bachelor) and Arie’s wardrobes…need I say more?
Despite his lovely getup, Raven #2 is still totally into this dude. They talk about her past relationships and their views on faith…all standard convos you’re suppose to have with someone you’re going to marry. She tells him she’s falling in love with him, which seems REAL FAST but its just what Arie wants to hear and he gives her the rose.
Krystal opens up the cocktail party by explaining to the girls that she was not “hiding in her room” but rather “investing in herself”, and she’d like to give everyone the opportunity to express their issues with her one-on-one. WTF. This girl is absolutely delusional, but like, I LOVE IT.
Kendall, Bekah, and Raven #2 each take turns going to talk to Krystal and proceed to absolutely tear her apart. Krystal is utterly confused at the girls responses but is not backing down – “These girls don’t operate at my level and I will not stoop down. I’m done. This is glitter”. Glitter will forever have a new meaning….
Just when we think this can’t get any better, we cut over to Kendall’s convo with Arie. She pulls out her “question book” from behind the couch pillow (how did that get there? why are they always pulling things from the couch??? who puts those there??) and asks Arie to choose a number between 1 and 100 because she has 100 different questions for him…somebody clearly has a lot of time on their hands…Arie selects #99 and Kendall flips to that question and asks – “If you were visiting a tribe that eats human meat, would you try it?”
WAIT WHAT??! WHAT??? WHAAAAAAAAAAATTT??!!! Who is this girl?? Arie is totally flabbergasted by this question and immediately responds no, to which Kendall says that SHE WOULD TRY IT!!! Because of like “curiosity, you know?” NO, WE DON’T KNOW KENDALL. She reassures Arie that she definitely wouldn’t eat him though, as if this makes us feel any better. What has gotten into these girls tonight?
Arie then pulls Krystal aside to scold her for being an absolute lunatic. In her god-awful voice she says, “Babe, this was just our first fight!” (fake laugh). Followed by Arie saying – “And it could be our last”. WOAHHHH +100 points for Arie actually having some quality one-liners this episode! He’s learning…
We go through the dramatic Rose Ceremony, where all the usual suspects get a rose and we of course get down to Krystal and 3 others for the final rose. To no body’s surprise, Krystal gets the rose so the producers can squeeze at least one more week of ratings out of her, and we send the Glam queen, unknown girl, and Maquel packing…at least Maquel didn’t have time to unpack! lolz
We get a glimpse into the next ep and it looks like we’re headed to Paris, cut over to Arie saying “Paris is the perfect place to fall in love. Its sexy…and..and cool, ya know?” Isn’t that EXACTLY how he described Frat Laudy??? Until then….