Author: Jordan Rolsky (@JordanRolsky on Twitter)
After a week of shotgunning beers on the beaches of Fort Lauderdale, the girls are in dire need of a recovery week, and what better way to nurse that Spring Break hangover than by carbo-loading on fresh baked, French baguettes?? That’s right, this week the girls have traded in their Frat tanks for high fashion in PARIS.
We open up with scenes of the girls roaming around all the recognizable tourist sites on a gorgeous, Paris day. They finish their sightseeing by climbing aboard their hotel…what appears to be a floating barge converted into a sleek and modern cruise ship. Fun Fact: This is the first time that “The Bachelor” has gone on a cruise. Although industrial, it still has a super chic styles and seems to be a pretty sweet way to explore Paris. The girls continue their tour of the city by floating down the Seine.
Captain Chris Harrison emerges from below deck to deliver the devastating news…Arie will be handing out only 6 roses this week, meaning that 3 gals will be thrown overboard. To decide which 3 shall walk the plank, Arie will be going on 2 one-on-one dates, one group date, and drum roll please….the dreaded TWO-ON-ONE…gasp…
First date card goes to Lauren B. who can barely contain her excitement….if it weren’t for her flailing hands, I’m fairly certain there would be no way to distinguish if she just won the lottery or her pet rabbit died (she seems like a rabbit girl, idk why)….it’s actually quite impressive how little emotion this girl can show…
One-On-One Date: Lauren B.
We open up the date with Arie telling us how much he wants to like Lauren B. because she’s “just so beautiful” butttt he’s conflicted because she’s boring AF (must be a Lauren B. thing….). He’s determined to pull her out of her shell on this date, but of course, fails miserably as Lauren proves she has absolutely zero personality and an extremely limited vocabulary…
Arie – Hey look at that!
Arie – Ohhh look over there!
Arie – How cool is that??!
Yikes. That. was. PAINFUL…After a day filled with 98% awkward silence and 2% “wows”, Arie continues to hold out hope for a good makeout at dinner. It is there that Lauren B. explains she typically refrains from all emotion/dialogue until she knows she can 100% trust someone, which usually occurs only after being in the friend zone for plus or minus 6 months…hmmm and you chose to come on to a show where you get engaged after spending a total of 48 hours with someone, why??? Seems like a great fit…
She goes on to say that she has some serious trust issues because of her parents’ marriage and her past relationships. In a strange attempt to empathize with her, Arie explains that he also has trust issues. He proceeds to tell us that one of his past, long-term relationships was with a mother of two who ended up getting pregnant with his child….wait…did he just say he has a child?? PLOT TWIST…he then rambles on about how he wanted to continue to race cars but also wanted to dial it back to prepare to be a father until he a got a call from the girl saying that she had lost the baby and she was moving out…and now because of this he has serious trust issues as well so he can totally relate to Lauren B…Huh?? Was anyone else completely confused by this story?? And why does is seem like Arie has had 8 million serious, past relationships???
Lauren somehow feels Arie’s story was just what she needed to hear to be able to trust him and opens up about her own past relationship, revealing she was actually engaged before but broke it off when he stopped treating her well. After some more confusing “trust” talk, Arie picks up the rose and declares that he’s had such an “incredible day” and even though she’s a complete wet blanket, she’s just so darn pretty sooo like, why not keep her around for a few more makeouts? Eyeroll…
Back on the Bachelor Barge
Meanwhile, back at the barge, the girls sit below deck anxiously awaiting the next date card to reveal who will have to go on the notorious two-on-one-date. Krystal, of course, is already assuming she’ll be selected for the two-on-one date and seems to be excited about it???
“Like I’m such the obvious choice for the two-on-one….I’ve had a target on my back since my one-on-one…there’s just no one on my level…like to compare”
UGH. This b*&^ is THE WORST.
The date card finally arrives announcing that Kyrstal and Kendall will fight till their deaths. Oyyyy….Krystal is going to eat Kendall and her stuffed duck alive….
We cut over to an interview with Krystal where she tells us she’s “wife material”…gag me…
Group Date: Everyone BUT Lauren B., Kendall, Krystal, and Jacqueline
Relieved not to have to face the hulk themselves, the rest of the girls sprint off the barge for their group date with Arie. They arrive at Moulin Rouge for a chance to dance their way into Arie’s hearts. After getting a glimpse of the routines at the famed cabaret, the girls are told they’ll have to create a dance routine of their own, then perform it in front of Arie for a chance to dance in front of a “live audience” + get some extra QT with Arie. Oh, and they’ll have to wear an extremely racy cabaret outfit to make them feel even MORE uncomfortable…ahhh, the CLASSIC Bachelor group date set up…let’s just do a quick run-down shall we??
Girl who has an irrational fear of
Girl who has previous experience with
Girl who makes a complete fool of herself but DGAF: Jenna…need I say more?
Girl who is annoyingly good at
Like a true gentleman, Arie decides that he’s not going to base his decision solely on how well their butts looked in the outfits, and is instead going to wait until after the cocktail party so that he can also take into consideration their deep conversations. Hah!
We jump to the cocktail party where the theme of the night is: jealousy. Apparently, each girl is just now starting to realize that Arie is in fact dating 9 girls at once, and its a really tough pill to swallow…awww too bad we don’t feel bad at all
Raven #2 – Despite coming off their amazing gator hunting date last week, Raven #2 tells Arie she can’t help but compare herself to other girls, BUT she’s ready to take a stand. Rather than froggin all those b*&tches, she applies her brightest lipstick, grabs Arie’s face, and locks lips with him, smearing red lipstick all over his face to mark her territory. Stand back girls…this country gal fights dirty
Bekah – As she wipes red lipstick off of Arie’s face, Bekah explains that she’s getting jealous about his relationships with other girls, a feeling she’s never had before. This, she explains, must mean there’s a possibility she could fall in love with him because jealous = love…duh…
Seinne – Speaks one line of French. Makes out with Arie. The end.
Anddd apparently all the other convos at the cocktail party provided absolutely zero worthy content because we then cut to Arie awarding the rose to Bekah….bizarre…
Bekah and Arie take off to prepare for their Moulin Rouge performance, while the rest of the girls are invited to watch their boyfriend makeout/dance with another girl in front of a live audience….what a treat!
Two-On-One: Kendall & Krystal
Kendall and Krystal meet Arie at a chateau in the French country side to battle it out for Arie’s love. Arie, however, appears to be a little rattled by this whole 2 on 1 concept and decides its easier to pretend to be a tour guide rather than talk to the girls, “and right this way we have oil paintings from the 15th century. Over here you’ll find a statue of a naked person…gorgeous place here, right??” Like he has any clue what on earth he is talking about right now…
To break the ice, Arie leads them both to a giant maze for a quick game of hide and go seek. As soon as Arie disappears into the hedges, Krystal whips off her heel and knock Kendall unconscious before taking off to find her price. Jk, but it sounds like something she’d do. Of course, Krystal find Arie first and the two separate for a little one-on-one time where Krystal begs him to forgive her for acting like a crazy psychopath the week before. Somehow, Arie succumbs to her spell and tells us he could feel she was sincerely apologetic…OMGGGGGG
As if she hasn’t already annoyed us enough, Krystal then commits the ULTIMATE TWO-ON-ONE FAUX PAS and bring up Kendall….uh ohhh, this is a dangerous game you’re playing here sista….she goes on to say she doesn’t know why Kendall is there because she doesn’t feel Kendall is emotionally ready for love. SNAKEEEEEE. Is Arie actually agreeing with her right now??? Ahhhhh
Kendall and Arie then share some alone time where Arie immediately brings up Krystal’s concerns, catching Kendall totally off guard. She’s able to ease Arie’s nerves and talk through it with him and wastes no time calling Krystal out for being a total biyatch. Shockingly, Krystal admits to talking trash about Kendall because she was “concerned”. Kendall rips into Krystal telling her that she wasn’t concerned but was intentionally trying to hurt Kendall because she’s an awful, condescending person with no heart. BOO YAH. In a very strange turn of events, Kendall then says she can empathize with Krystal because she knows Krystal’s had a really hard life and feels the need to control everything. What is happening right now?? Are they bonding?? Is Kendall being nice or mean?? I can’t tell…Is Krystal going to speak/hit her/do a yoga pose?? After a very long stare sesh, Krystal responds by saying – “I don’t have words.” That’s it??? BORINGGG
Arie conveniently misses this entire encounter, and arrives to tell the girls THAT HE CAN’T DECIDE. Omggggg come on Arie. He requests that they both come to dinner so he can have more time to think. LAME
We arrive at dinner where Krystal and Kendall of course are forced to stare at each other in silence waiting for Arie to arrive. Krystal brings up their chat earlier explaining she doesn’t want Kendall’s advice and they clearly don’t know each other. Kendall calmly responds that she’s just calling it like she sees it, and its prettttyyy clear Krystal has trouble connecting with every single girl in the house. DROP THE MIC
Just as Krystal winds up for a punch, Arie arrives to save the day. Krystal slowly unclenches her fists and puts on her fakest smile as she makes a toast to Arie – “We were just talking about how this journey has been and talking about the highs and the lows and through the thick and through the thin…the brilliance, umm indescribable…its really indescribable, but yet magical and worth it, worth all of it…” Was that English??? Confused, Arie responds “okay” and asks to speak with Kendall privately…LOL
We get zero insight into what Kendall and Arie talked about because yet again the producers seem to be MIA….gahhh these #BachelorBudgetCuts are KILLING ME. The two return and Arie immediately picks up the rose and awards it to…..KENDALLLL YAAAAAASSSSS….
The two stand up, throw their napkins on Krystal’s face, and calmly leave her sitting at the table alone. PEACE OUT B*$%#
Back at the Bachelor Barge
We cut over to the barge to see the grim reaper come scoop up Krystal’s bag. The girls are devastated…
Back to Two-On-One: Kendall & Krystal
Krystal is left to watch from a distance as Arie and Kendall climb the Eiffel Tower so the producers can get one last elevated makeout sesh for this episode. But wait…did anyone else catch the “rose” Kendall was holding?? Aren’t roses suppose to have petals??..hmmm
One-On-One Date: ??
The final date goes to ???…no, but seriously, who is this girl? There is no way she’s been here the whole time. Oh yeah, she’s the one that went home for a funeral then came back..oh wait, no..that was Macaroon. Huh, I must have totally missed this chick…
We find out that Jacqueline has in fact been on the show this entire time but received approximately 1 minute and 42 seconds of air time, which has most definitely worked in her favor because she actually seems very smart and down to earth…this is a first…
Arie scoops up Jacq (because let’s be real, there is no way I can type out Jacqueline every time) in a red, hot wheels car that immediately breaks down the minute Jacq gets in…buzzkill. Determined to maintain his racecar image by incorporating an exotic car in at least one date per week, Arie wastes an hour of the date attempting to fix the stupid car before resorting to exploring Paris like normal people do -> on foot and via cab. Ugh…can you even imagine?? But hey, the producers promised him one cool car per week. They did not, however, promise one working car per week.
First stop on Arie and Jacq’s date: a store to get Jacq a new outfit because Arie is not a flowery dress type of guy. No but really, he tells her that they are going to dinner but before they can go he needs to “get her ready”…What’s wrong with what she’s wearing?? Idk how I feel about this…anyways, the two mosey around the store before Arie picks a basic, tight, black dress and pumps for Jacq to wear to dinner. Jacq immediately regrets not waiting for the mechanic to fix their car as the two walk to dinner…
Did you guys see that??? Watch it again! Fairly certain Jacq’s ankle just completely broke right there…
Anyways, the two sit down to dinner where Jacq questions Arie on why it took so long for them to start building on their relationship. Arie explains that he was intimidated by Jacq at first because she was so smart AND pretty, a combo that is apparently wayyy too much for Arie to handle. Jacq puts him on blast by saying – “Why don’t you think you would gravitate towards someone intelligent?” Arie stutters through his response basically saying he worries he won’t be interesting enough for someone who actually has some brain cells….sooo did he basically just admit to going after girls that are dumb??…RUN JACQ, RUN!
Jacq then opens up about wanting to get her PhD, which requires 6 years of school (sounds miserable), and asks if Arie would be willing to move/stick with her while she puts herself through 6 years of torture. In a very strange, roundabout convo, Arie says he would be open to it, but it’s not ideal, and he needs to follow his heart, and so should Jacq, soooo he’s not going to give her the rose?? Oh wait, he is giving her the rose?? And now saying he’s open to working through the PhD problems? Huh?? Did he just try and trick us?? I’m so confused.
And did they just climb 8 flights of stairs only to makeout at the top? How on earth did she do that in those pumps?? Is the date over?? Why is the sun shining on them? Is it still light out?? Was that a lunch date? That was such a short date… did ABC cut out a ton of footage??
Before we know what’s happening, we jump right into the Rose Ceremony where it appears either Arie has decided to forgo the traditional cocktail party, so we’re jumping right in. We get down to the final rose and its between Becca, Chelsea, and Jenna….okay, so definitely Jenna is gone…but could it really be Becca too??? No, she’s the best!!! But Chelsea?? We know he has a thing for single moms…who’s it going to be???…and the final rose goes to….BECCA!!!
+100 points to Jenna though for having the BEST waterproof makeup I’ve ever scene…truly amazing…literally not an ounce of makeup is smeared…Can’t say the same for Chelsea…poor thing has mascara smeared across half her face…
Chelsea and Jenna are gone and the rest of the group is moving on to TUSCANY! All of the girls are super excited, except for the ice queen…
We then cut over to a scene where it appears as if Lauren B. is talking to a producer about how she’s really struggling because she just hates that other girls are going on dates and building connections with Arie. She explains its so unfair because she’s been looking for someone like Arie for the longest time….UMMM What did you expect honey? You’re on the Bachelor! And just like that, we conclude a seemingly choppy and confusing episode, but hey, at least Krystal is gone right?? DING DONG, THE WITCH IS DEAD!
Tears. Tears. And more tears! We’re shown a string of clips with legit every single girl crying. Wow, this gives us SO MUCH insight into what happens next week. We end with a final scene of the #BachelorEX returning to proclaim their love for someone (who could it be?? it sounded like he had a southern accent….Raven #2?? could it be??) in attempt to boost ratings before ABC loses 98% of viewers to the Winter Games next week!!!!!!!!!!!! Super pumped for the Winter Games to start NEXT TUESDAY & THURSDAY…not so pumped that ABC will have taken over my life THREE days a week…I’m so weak…
Answers to This Week’s Bonus Questions
How many contestants will tell Arie that they are in love/ falling in love with him in episode 6? NONE
How many contestants will cry in episode 6? 5
Who slanders another contestant by name to Arie in episode 6? Krystal
In episode 6, which contestant says something along the lines of: [location] is the [best, most amazing, etc] to fall in love? Becca K