Episode 8 Recap: “If you hurt her, I will find you on Google”

by Bachelor Bracket on 02 /21 /2018

Author: Jordan Rolsky (@JordanRolsky on Twitter)

After last week’s tearful goodbyes we kick off this week with a renewed sense of seriousness as Arie prepares to meet and simultaneously ask four sets families if he can marry their beloved daughter JUST IN CASE he chooses them at the end of all this…how romantic! Based on the previews, it appears Arie is in for a wild ride with these families, so let’s jump right in and watch Arie squirm!

Hometown #1: Kendall

We start off strong with Kendall’s hometown knowing that we not only get to meet Kendall’s real family but also her taxidermy brothers and sisters. Arie zooms up to meet Kendall in a blue sports car he drove all the way from Scottsdale in yet another failed attempt to generate some sex appeal…at least he’s persistent?? Anywho, Kendall greets Arie and tells him that, shocker, she has brought him to a taxidermy museum/workshop (unclear just what this place is but it does appear to be a building full of creepy taxidermy animals). Arie looks a little queasy as he roams through a room filled with stuffed animal carcasses, but makes every attempt to squeeze out a “cute!” as Kendall picks up the animals and throws them at Arie’s face. Eeeeek, this is SO WEIRD. Like are those clean?? Why do they have to have such scary faces??? I feel like Kendall has an unhealthy obsession with this…they HAVE to smell, right??

As if Kendall’s fascination with dead animals wasn’t already a lot to handle, she then announces that they won’t just be looking at taxidermy today, but they’ll also be MAKING their own taxidermy. Arie can’t help but contain his excitement…

Omg, omg, omg, OMG…they are stuffing RATS??!!!!!!!!!! What??!!! Like where did those come from??? Do they get shipments of dead animal carcasses in every day?? How does this work?? People find pleasure in this?? I have SO MANY questions. How on EARTH did this chick make it this far in the show?? Perhaps she’ll get like a taxidermy sponsorship deal out of this?? I can see it now on Kendall’s insta – Use Code ILUVTAXIDERM to receive 20% off our new line of stuffed porcupines!

Arie slowly picks up the rat’s limp body concentrating on not fainting/looking as sexy as possible… I mean…there are really no words….

Kendall, on the other hand, looks incredibly happy as she stuffs a piece of Styrofoam up the rat’s a$$ making one of the strongest #BachelorMetaphors for love yet – “Taxidermy is a perfect relationship because it lasts forever” said no one EVER. She whips out a shadow box of Paris to make a little home for the rat Bachelor and Bachelorette, and the two start playing with the rats like they’re Barbies…Idkkk, Arie may think your quirks are cute Kendall buttttt pretty sure you’re just weird AF.

The two finally finish playing with their rat dolls, and break for a much needed adult beverage to discuss Kendall’s family and what Arie should expect. Kendall reassures him that her family will love him, but her twin sister will definitely be the toughest critic. She goes on to say that her sister will be watching for their “energy”….hmmm, sounds like her sister might share some of that “quirkiness”…Arie then tells Kendall he’s falling in love with her and Kendall appears to be shocked/happy/surprised the roofie she slipped in his drink worked so quickly and the two share a passionate kiss before taking off to meet the fam.

Arie and Kendall arrive at her family’s house and, shockingly, her family looks normal. Arie and Kendall’s twin sister, Kylie, sit down to chat, and she wastes NO time telling Arie that she was watching the energy between him and Kendall “like a hawk”, and she noticed there was “a little bit of space” between them. A little bit of space?? WTH does that mean?? Was anyone else waiting for her to say she can see ghosts??Who is this chick?? Arie is of course not sure how to respond to this “I see dead people” kind of talk, but he does tell her that he’s falling for Kendall, which seems to help Kylie feel a little at ease…until she talks to Kendall that is…

Kendall tells Kylie about how when Arie mentioned he was falling in love with her, she didn’t quite know what to say back so she just kissed him…which turns out to be a big no no for Kylie. Clearly Kylie is unaware that 90% of communication is done solely via making out on this show, so really, Kendall did the right thing here! Kylie, however, feels Kendall’s knee jerk kissing reaction means Kendall isn’t ready for a proposal but encourages her to be open and honest about her feelings with Arie. Kendall and Arie regroup after the date, where she tells him she is falling for him, and despite man handling dead rats and being overwhelmed in Kendall’s eclectic house, Arie seems to be digging this quirky gal.

Hometown #2: Raven #2

Next, we have Raven #2’s date in Wiener, Arkansas! Afraid to get one of his beloved cars muddy, Arie opts for an Uber Black Car this time around and shows up to meet Raven #2 in a secluded forest. We gear up for an intense afternoon of froggin (in case you don’t remember, Raven #2 casually dropped the bomb a few weeks back that stabbing frogs with a pitchfork is a common pastime in Wiener), but instead she leads Arie to a racecar track…gahhhh come onnnn, how many times do we have to watch Arie race cars this season?? So over this. AND I thought the whole point of the hometown date was to show The Bachelor(ette) what YOU do for fun. Ugh…

After Arie reenacts a few scenes from Fast and the Furious, the two crack open a cold one and get down to business talking about Raven #2’s fam. She explains Arie will be meeting her parents, brother, aunt, AND cousin (as if the extended family is really necessary) Raven #2 warns Arie about her brother being slightly over-protective as we immediately cut over to see her brother, a giant, bearded, ear pierced dude. Yaaasss, love a little family drama. Maybe he’ll punch Arie or something??!! This could be fun…

They arrive at Raven #2’s house and we zoom in on a giant pile of pigs-in-a-blanket…really??? Please tell me the producers put them up to this. As if just having the wieners wasn’t enough, Raven #2’s dad proposes a toast WITH THE WIENERS (why???) to Raven #2 and “Arry”. LOL. The dad literally doesn’t even know Arie’s name! Raven #2 immediately corrects him but idkkk, I think Arie is more of an Arry now that I look at him.

PS…Why are some of the wieners missing their blankets?? Who wants to eat a plain wiener??

Raven #2’s bro and Arie step outside so the bro can ask a few questions. He brings up Arie’s “play boy” reputation and asks if that’s “what he has to look forward to”…OUCH. Arie looks back at him completely terrified, but in between several nervous laughs is able to explain that he definitely had his fun back in his racing days, but now he’s grey and the young girls just don’t seem interested, so he’s finally ready to find a wife and admit defeat….well, it might have been slightly different than that, but let’s be real, we know that’s the truth. Raven #2’s bro seems happy with this answer and tells us that after meeting Arie, that he actually likes him. BORING.

Relieved to get the bro’s stamp of approval, Arie confidently asks Raven #2’s father for his approval to propose, which her father provides but not so fast Arry! Her dad quickly follows up his approval with, “If you hurt her, I can find you on Google”….Arie bursts out laughing at the thought of this before anxiously shifting in his seat when he realizes Raven #2’s dad is nottttt laughing…lolz. After a few more boring convos, NONE of which are with said aunt and cousin (super glad they were there…), Raven #2 steals Arie away outside and drops the big ole L BOMB. Arie, of course, remains silent in standard Bachelor fashion (no more Ben Higgins I love you AND you) but assures her that he’s so incredibly happy she’s in love with him. Yawn.

Hometown Date #3: Becca

Becca brings Arie to her favorite apple orchard in Minnesota for some good ole Midwestern fun. Problem is, it appears to be a tidbit chilly/windy, and our little snowbird Arie is way too delicate for those kinds of temps. With the help of a giant parka (mind you Becca is in a light peacoat), Arie is able to sustain the 50 degree weather, and the two of them pick apples, play some random apple games, and make caramel apples that look absolutely fantastic.

They then sit down to prep for meeting the fam where Becca explains that Arie will be meeting her mom, sister, and Uncle Gary, who has been her father figure since her dad passed away. She warns him that Uncle Gary is verrrrry skeptical and will most definitely ask Arie some tough stuff. Finally! Let’s put this guy in the hot seat…Cut over to Uncle Gary telling the entire family that he’s 100% certain Becca is not in love with Arie…hmmmm looks like they’re in for a surprise, pretty sure Becca is a smitten kitten right now.

Becca and Arie burst through the front door with Becca immediately proclaiming to her entire family she’s never felt this way about a guy and she’s def in love. LOL. Her mom does not seem to enthused and when Becca asks her if she’ll approve of them getting engaged, her response is just PERFECT.

Yikessss, on to Uncle Gary…Arie and Uncle Gary sit down for what we think is going to be a super intense convo, but Uncle Gary proves to be quite a softy and basically tells Arie he’s on board if he takes care of Becca and goes to church with her….seems pretty doable. Welp, where’s the drama?! Starting to miss Krystal….but like, I guess Becca and Arie do seem really good together…fiiiineeee.

Hometown #5: Lauren B.

Last, we arrive at Lauren’s hometown date in…Virginia Beach…???…Since when does she live in Virginia Beach? Has she ever mentioned that once?? She def doesn’t seem like a Virginia Beach type of gal….and they are going horseback riding along the beach?? She rides horses?? Who is this girl?? Suddenly, we realize that despite watching 7 weeks of this show, we actually know NOTHING about Lauren….it’s kind of incredible to see how far she has come as mute. Also, minus 100 points for Lauren for showing up in the #BachelorUniform (plaid shirt tied around the waste, jeans, and converse). That is sooooo two seasons ago.

The two enjoy an afternoon filled with Lauren’s favorite things including a horseback ride along the beach, a hike up to a lighthouse, and of course long stretches of complete silence. As the two gear up to meet Lauren’s family, it becomes verrrrryyy apparent that Lauren is the clear front runner. Arie no joke about $h*t his pants as he opened up the front door to meet the fam. Despite looking like a standard family, that social awkwardness def runs in the family as they all sit in the living room staring at each other in silence…at least Lauren comes by it honestly?? The awkward moments continue on into dinner as the fam starts to drill Arie at the dinner table, making everyone feel very uncomfy. So much so, that Arie actually pulls another disappearing act to wipe his face down, telling us his nerves are approaching a 10, a feeling only rivaled by his first race in the Indy 500. WTF. Why is he freaking out so much?? The questions weren’t even that hard.

Once again, the previews totally mislead us into thinking that Lauren’s dad hated Arie, but the two end up bonding over a trip Arie took to visit troops in Iraq and he ends up giving Arie his round-about blessing, saying that if Arie’s an honest guy, things will work out and Lauren will make right the choice. Lauren’s mom, however, isn’t as easily convinced and asks Arie what he sees in Lauren (GREAT QUESTION. Wouldn’t we all like to know?). Arie’s response, however, doesn’t seem so reassuring – “If I’m having a bad day I kind of look to her, and just by looking at her, I feel comforted”. Well thank god he feels comfort just by looking at her, cuz she sure as hell isn’t using any words to comfort him. What kind of answer is that?? He goes on to say they are so much alike, but tbh, we aren’t buying it. How are they alike???

It does seem that Lauren shares the whole “we’re so much alike” belief because she gushes to her mom about being so similar, almost to the point where they can read each other’s minds. Woahhhh there cowboy. Not sure how these two seem to be drawing these conclusions, but at least they are on the same page?? Who knows anymore…Despite some questionable previews promising lots of excitement and drama, it turns out this hometown was just as uneventful as Arie and Lauren’s relationship. THANK GOD we have Bach Winter Games right now…I need some more Dean Leslie in my life right now…

Rose Ceremony

We’ve finally arrived at the Rose Ceremony and at this point, basically every girl BUT Kendall has said they are in love with Arie. But everyone wants what they can’t have soooo I’m sure Arie will be drawn to Kendall since she’s a “risk”. Sooo predictable. Chris Harrison comes to give Arie some final words of encouragement, but instead Arie confesses to him that he still has no idea which girl to send home…OMG. Pretty sure that’s supposed to be determined BEFORE you walk up to hand out the rose, Arie. He then hovers in front of the girls before Houdini-ing right on out of there…CLASSIC. Running away from his problems seems to be a theme here…deffff husband material fo sho…

After a few hugs from the producers, Arie comes back and says that before he can make his decision, he needs to talk to Kendall….cue pandemonium amongst Lauren, Becca, and Raven #2.

We cut over to Arie and Kendall talking where we hear him questioning if she is ready to get engaged. Kendall explains that she doesn’t want their relationship to end, but Arie presses on about whether she’s ready to actually get engaged right now. Kendall seems a little frustrated saying she wasn’t expecting this convo which HELLO you’re on the Bachelor babes, you gotta expect to get asked this question, but she finally blurts out that while she sees a lot of potential in him, at this very moment, she’s not ready for an engagement. BOOM. Baiiii Kendall!!!

Kendall and Arie return for the Rose Ceremony but like, why didn’t he just send her home then and there and skip the dumping in front of everyone?? Is he sending her home or not??? Is it Raven #2?? We know it isn’t Lauren….eyeroll….

Down to Raven #2 and Kendall…just as expected…anddddd…Kendall gets the rose…OMGGGGGGG. Raven #2??? He seemed so into her at the hometown???? Arie makes some questionableeee calls I must say. Both walk out tearful, as they go through the typical breakup rigmarole, “it’s not anything you did, yada yada yada”. Don’t cry too hard Raven #2, you’re in a reallllll nice position to get crowned the Bachelorette. Calling it now…stay tuned…

Previews

Previews for next week look INTENSE. The girls take on Peru where it appears Kendall is questioning everything…shocker. We also get a glimpse of the mysterious boyfriend returning to “claim” his proposal for one of the girls…who could it be??? My guess, the guy has the wrong house and it’s actually all a giant misunderstanding…but crossing my fingers its ACTUALLY some real drama…