Author: Jordan Rolsky (@JordanRolsky on Twitter)
Raise your hand if you thought tonight was the finale…
The biggest surprise of the night for me was that we actually have to wait until NEXT week to find out who is going on Bachelor in Paradise this summer. UGH
We open up not-the-final episode in Peru, which I must say, seems like a super legit Bach destination. Let’s dive right in because just like every week, the previews promised drama and unforeseen twists & turns…
Kendall kicks things off with the first one-on-one date. She meets Arie in the middle of the desert, wearing none other than the #BachelorUniform (crop top, flannel tied around the waste, ripped jeans), and we’re immediately annoyed, because just like we said last week when Lauren wore the exact same outfit…that was sooo 2 years ago!! All we need is the half-up bun on top of their heads and we wouldn’t be able to tell them apart from Becca Tilley, Lauren B. (the OG), JoJo, and every other contestant from Ben’s season. Bring some originality to the table girls.
Anyways, Arie greets Kendall with his usual, moan-filled smooch as Kendall nervously looks around to see literally nothing but sand, wondering if Arie has brought her to this desolate location to torture her until she agrees to marry him. Luckily, it appears he has another plan for the day as a dune buggy comes into view, scoops them up, and takes them on a wild ride through the sand dunes. And what do you think of when you think of riding a dune buggy in the desert??? LOVE. That’s right, Arie makes a fantastic #BachelorMetaphor – “A dune buggy is like a relationship, you know. There’s up and downs and its scary but also so exciting” That is some deep stuff right there.
The two get out of the dune buggy and start sandboarding down the sand dunes until Kendall has a MASSIVE wipe out… Yikes…that looked fun!
After spending several hours getting the sand out from allllll the wrong places, the two meet up again for dinner/a chance to justify going to the Fantasy Suite when they 100% won’t end up together. Kendall starts off the night saying that if Arie proposed to her today, she would def say no because she just isn’t sure they can stand the test of time, even going as far as saying she felt guilty accepting the rose.
Kendall attempts to get some of her questions answered by explaining to Arie that she fears she’s just a quirky novelty to him, and maybe he’s only dating her because she collects taxidermy and plays the ukulele. LOL. IS SHE SERIOUS RIGHT NOW?? Luckily, Arie is able to reassure her that he’s warmed up to the idea of her handling dead animal carcasses for fun and he’s falling in love with her despite all that.
On that note, Arie whips out the Fantasy Suite card and invites Kendall to “take this key and forgo their individual rooms” for a night of conversation (wink wink). Kendall, of course, accepts the Fantasy Suite card as we cut over to an interview with her telling us she’s never felt more ready to fall in love with Arie and it is so real….really???? Its legit ben 20 mins since you told us you weren’t in love with him???
Ecstatic that his first of THREE Fantasy Suite cards has been accepted, Arie leaps up and grabs Kendall’s hand, leading her over to a staircase taking them right up to a lofted bed….waitttt they were already IN the Fantasy Suite??? Even Kendall seems alarmed that the bed was only a few steps away. And what about that key??? There aren’t any doors in this whole place!!
The two immediately hop into bed to begin the night of conversation making out as we quickly pan out to give them their prized alone time. But not so fast you two! We’ll be back before you even have a chance to brush your teeth!! We arrive again the next morning to see the two of them lying in bed – Arie in an undershirt and Kendall in a long-sleeved, button down, matching pajama set.
The two cuddle in bed as Arie asks, “How are you feeling after last night, emotionally, not physically?” I’M SORRY, WHATTT??? Did he really just say that??? What on EARTH could that possibly be insinuating?? EW that was SO creepy. Kendall awkwardly laughs before saying she feels really great….I can’t.
One-on-One: Lauren B.
Next up, is Lauren B. who arrives to meet Arie in a cute little crop top and skirt for an airplane tour of the Nazca Lines. Arie explains that the Nazca Lines are large geoglyphs that look like animals from above andddd Lauren’s eyes immediately glaze over….
Considering Lauren couldn’t manage to spit out any more than a “Wow” during their entire tour of Paris, we aren’t the slightest bit surprised to see the day filled with uncomfortably long silences coupled with confusing facial expressions where she smiles one minute but transitions to an RBF the next…
Arie calls her out for being “in her head”, and Lauren admits that her fears of getting hurt combined with her deep rooted trust issues are making it very difficult for her. She begs Arie for a sign to show her she’s the only girl he cares about…don’t get any ideas Arie! Cut over to Arie who says he’s not sure if it’s going to work between them if he has to spend all of his time reassuring her rather than getting to know the other sides of her tonight in the Fantasy Suite. Lolzzz can you be more obvious Arie??
They sit down for dinner, and Arie says he has an announcement before the date goes any furtherl…here we go…He explains that in Paris he knew he was falling for her but after their date in Tuscany he knew he was IN LOVE with her. Lauren does not immediately say it back, but instead begins to cry….does she not love him?? What’s happening??? Maybs she sends herself home?? That’d be AWESOME….Arie grabs her and tells her, “Don’t cry, I love you!” Lauren is able to get out a quiet ILY too, and just like that Arie is shoving the Fantasy Suite card in her hand grinning ear to ear…classic
Lauren happily accepts the date card proclaiming, “There’s so many reasons why I love Arie. I can’t even put it into words”….SHOCKER. Girl, you can’t put ANYTHING into words. They waste no time jumping onto the bed to check out those “other sides” of each other…
We’re back bright and early the next morning to catch their morning snuggle sesh…but before we can check out her pajama outfit choice and compare it to Kendall’s, we’re grossed out by yet another morning after Arie comment – “I feel so much closer to you now…” Ughhh, I just got the heebie-jeebies. And didn’t he say that EXACT same thing to Kendall??? He goes on to tell her that it’s going to get harder before it gets easier AKA he’s def taking Becca into the Fantasy Suite tonight because why not?? BUT he told Lauren he loves her, so it all evens out…The two share a last kiss before Arie sets off on his walk of shame back to his hotel.
Becca, the obvious right choice for Arie, is our last date of the week and meets Arie at the docks wearing the third crop top of the episode because apparently belly shirts are Arie’s thing. The two set sail for a day of admiring seals.
Arie tells us that Becca is definitely the safest, “most comfortable” relationship he has, and that he doesn’t really have any doubts or hesitations with her. Most comfortable??? The Bachelor Kiss of Death. The Bachelor(ette) NEVER chooses the safe, smart choice…
After a seemingly perfect day, the two reconvene for dinner, which appears to be back in the middle of the desert. They roam aimlessly through the desert until they stumble upon a tent/rainforest combo. Seriously though, there is NOTHING around this tent. How did they even find it?? Do they have like a Find Your Desert Tent app??
Anywho, the tent actually looks pretty cool with lots of plants, flowers, pillows, food, and of course, 6 bottles of wine for just the two of them. Becca kicks things off first telling Arie that after the Hometown Date she knew she was in love with him…ughhh poor thing…she has no idea he already dropped his quota of ILY’s the night before…what a bummer…wait a minuteeee what is he saying??? Is he getting ready to…oooooohhh and there it is…ANOTHER…ILY….Omggggg did Arie learn NOTHING from Ben Higgins???? Being Oprah with the ILY’s turned out disastrous for Ben Higgins. Who does Arie think he is??? Cuz if Ben can’t get away with it, let’s be real, NO ONE CAN….
Becca is so giddy and happy and certain Arie feels the same way about only her….here we go again….Just like that, Arie whips out the Fantasy Suite card, which Becca immediately accepts and we wait for the dune buggy to come scoop them up to go back to their hotel…oh wait, is no one coming?? Where are they going?? Is there another tent back there?? Wait…it’s so small. It’s actually a teepee…but like really, there is just a bed in it…where is the bathroom???
The two plop down on the bed (bc what else is there to do) and start making out before we zip up the tent and sit 2 feet away outside to wait for the sun to rise….talk about ZERO privacy. Like where is the crew during all of this??? Are they in tents too?? It didn’t seem like there was anything else around??? But maybe this is all a mirage and there’s actually a 5-star resort on the other side of the tent that they aren’t showing us??? That must be it.
We unzip the tent at the first ray of sunshine to check on our love birds who seem to be v warm and cozy inside the teepee…buttttt for real, did they actually stay in there all night? One of them most certainly had to pee in the night, right?? Wait, they have a huge breakfast tray in bed with them. Where’d that come from?? So. Many. Questions.
Arie grabs the tray and leads Becca out of the tent and onto a blanket set up nearby to give them some fresh air/help with the claustrophobia. The two seem to be drunk in love as we cut to an interview where Arie tells us he wants to end this whole thing right now and propose in the desert! It seems like Becca and Arie will live happily ever after!!!….
The Return of the EX BF
We return from a commercial break to a SHOCKING turn of events….the token #BachelorExBF has resurfaced to shake things up, as the producers make one last ditch effort to create THE MOST DRAMATIC SEASON YET. A decently attractive man hops out of an Uber (wonder how much that bad boy cost) dressed in a suit as we hear a voice over of him telling us he’s here to claim his girl because that’s HIS proposal to give her…
Who’s BF is it??? Lauren B’s ex fiancé??? Or Becca’s ex that’s she referenced like 18,098 times during this ep?? Def not Kendall…he doesn’t seem like he’d be into the whole taxidermy thing…he’s roaming the hotel grounds…where’s he going???…omg there’s Becca also roaming the hotel grounds…are they going to run into each other??? THE SUSPENSE!!!…He’s walking up to a door and knocking…who’s going to answer???…Arie???
The EX BF makes himself comfy on the couch of Arie’s hotel room before spilling the beans that he’s not there to upgrade his hotel suite (LOL that Arie thought he was hotel management), but rather to STEAL HIS GIRL. The EX BF dives into a long speech explaining he’s Becca’s ex of 7 years (Arie’s eyes pop out of his head), and he’s there to win back his soulmate. He says the minute he heard she was on the show, he started furiously reaching out online to try and track down the production following the breadcrumbs the producers strategically left for him, until he uncovered they were in Peru. Once he learned the location, he jumped on a flight to Peru, ordered an Uber and typed in The Bachelor, which unbeknownst to him, was a 5 hour drive away from the airport. And now he’s here and if this grand gesture doesn’t prove how great his love is for Becca, than what else will??
Arie is clearly very annoyed by this whole stunt and reminds the EX BF that they broke up over a year ago and Becca may not have the same feelings any longer. Arie goes on to say that he and Becca have exchanged ILY’s and if/when Becca accepts his marriage proposal, he’d like for the EX BF to respect Becca’s wishes and never speak to her again. Shockingly, The EX BF seems completely unfazed saying he doubts 7 years of their relationship can even hold a candle to the 12 weeks Arie and Becca have known each other…MIC DROP…and with that, the EX BF departs, destination: Becca. Arie is left stunned in his hotel room as we’re all thinking there actually may be a possibility Becca takes him back….7 years vs 12 weeks???
The EX BF arrives at Becca’s hotel room with a lovely bouquet of flowers he got from the producers scooped up along the way and pounds on the door to profess his love…
Ohhhhhh this doesn’t look so good for him, but also she’s like smiling so maybe she is into it?? Becca seems extremely overwhelmed, but refuses to let him in her hotel room and instead suggests they duke it out on the lobby steps so the producers can get all the right angles. The EX BF jumps into a soliloquy about the setbacks they’ve faced, and how they haven’t spoken for a year but he thought of her every day, and once he heard she was on the show, he knew that was a sign that he had to do something BIG to win her back and get married. PHEW, even I’m worn out just recapping that.
Becca says she knew he’d probably try and do something like this because he lives his life like a movie, always trying to make grand gestures like he saw in The Notebook (lol), BUT what they had together was unhealthy and she doesn’t want to be with him anymore. Danggggg. The EX BF looks truly heartbroken exclaiming he’s not there to convince her and thought that she would be wooed by his extravagant approach. He walks away telling us he’s a complete fool for listening to the producers and he wishes Becca and Arie the best. Wellll so this wasn’t the CRAZY TWIST the previews promised, but I guess it was more entertaining than having to watch extended footage of Arie and Lauren staring at each other in silence, soooo we’ll take it.
Becca, of course, immediately goes to Arie to tell him she’s not in love with her EX BF and reassure him she’s there for the #RightReasons. Arie seems a little unsure of the whole thing, and we end with him telling us he worries the EX BF will continue to come around, which is not something he wants to “deal with”, whatever that means…
We finally get to the Rose Ceremony feeling a little uneasy about Becca and Arie. Becca is clearly trying to send subliminal wedding vibes to Arie as she walks up to the Rose Ceremony in a stunning white gown. Pretty sure she could actually wear this as a wedding dress and no one would think twice about it. Smart girl!
Arie kicks of the Rose Ceremony telling the girls he’s definitely in love (with two of you muahaha…flash over to Lauren and Becca smiling brightly), and he knows that this will most certainly end in a proposal (cut to Kendall going Oh $*&%). Just as he begins to pick up the first rose, “Kendall can I talk to you real quick???”…OMGGGG AGAIN???
Gahhh so is he picking Kendall??? And sending Becca home?? How could he??? Arie starts things off with Kendall by explaining he had such an amazing night with her (hmmm would that be emotionally or physically, Arie??) but that he just doesn’t know if they are on the same page and he’s not sure they can get there (yep, so definitely physically…LOL). Kendall handles the breakup like a champ because let’s be real, she was not feeling it to begin with. Hopefully she has one of her taxidermy pets in there to comfort her for the Uber ride to the airport…
Arie returns to give the roses out to Becca and Lauren, forcing them to cross the cobblestone path of death in heels to accept the rose. The three of them awkwardly share in a toast as they discuss meeting Arie’s family next week. In a bizarre showing of emotion, Lauren excitedly tells us she hasn’t met Arie’s family yet, but she already feels like they are her family….riiiighttttt. Go back to the RBF Lauren, we don’t know how to handle emotion from you. Both Becca and Lauren tell us how happy and in love they are as we get giddy thinking about the total devastation coming next week…
We open up with previews claiming that next week’s 3 hour finale is without a doubt THE MOST DRAMATIC FINALE EVERRRRR. Come on CH, you lose so much credibility when you say this every. single. time. We jump to various scenes of both girls crying, Arie sitting on the couch while one girl appears to be crying in the bathroom (flashback to JoJo in the bathroom with Ben), and then of course Ben Arie telling us he feels guilty that BOTH girls feel so confident because he STUPIDLY said ILY to both….omgggg its like déjà vu!