The Most Shocking Bachelor Bracket Blog Post of All Time
Ok, I know Chris Harrison says that ALL the time, but I really mean it. Of all the blog posts I’ve ever written for Bachelor Bracket (this is the first), this one is truly the most shocking of all time. In the text that follows, I’ve made some provocative predictions about the season to come, unlike any I’ve ever made before. Let me put it this way: if I had to choose a ride to describe this blog post, I would definitely go with “roller coaster.” See, now you get it. So I hope you’re strapped in and at least this tall, because here…we…go!
- At least 2 women will open their first impression with “Hola.”
- The preview showed us that one woman will play up the soccer angle. Will she make a terrible joke about balls? Nothing would surprise me.
- Juan Pablo will take a liberal approach (a la Sean) to baring his abs.
- They’ll totally take at least 2 helicopter rides and heavy-handedly make sure you know they’re metaphors for love.
- Same goes for jumping off high stuff.
- The producers will take a subtle approach by strategically employing private firework shows instead of holding giant signs that say “MAKE OUT.”
- There will be salsa dancing.
- Athletic competitions will sometimes determine who Juan Pablo spends time with, which seems legit.
- Some women will be uncertain about the kind of role model Juan Pablo is looking for in his daughter’s future mother. They will make the common mistake of confusing “kind, intelligent independent woman” with “one who displays her naked chest publicly without prompting, and while screaming ‘woo!'”
- At least one woman will make the mistake of thinking that tacos are an important part of Venezuelan cuisine.
- At least one woman will be a manipulative psychopath.
- Juan Pablo will initially fall for a saucy femme fatale type but ultimately realize she’s not the woman he thought she was, and definitely not mom material.
- Juan Pablo will miss his daughter a lot, and wonder if he made the right choice embarking on this journey of love.
- Something unprecedented will happen! (No, YOU’RE being deliberately vague.)
- Juan’s ability to be both sexy AND nice simultaneously will invalidate years of rigorous scientific research. The women will frequently marvel at this new finding.
- The producers will give you every reason to think Juan Pablo is poised to zig and then he’ll just zag out of NOWHERE. “Wait, what?!” you’ll exclaim at intervals throughout the season.
- Juan Pablo will say “I can really see myself spending the rest of my life with this woman” about at least 4 different women.
- There will be tears. Like, a lot.
And now: Ladies and gentlemen… This is the final prediction. When you’re ready….
- It will be the best Bachelor season yet!